Life of a Lagosian 4.0



Yeah! Let’s continue.

My first morning in commotion Villa was quite an historic one. I had gone to the bathroom (I guess you know what bathrooms in “face me I deck you” looks like), when I remembered that I didn’t pick my towel, I dropped my bathing scrub by the bathroom, rushed inside to pick up my towel, only for me to come back and find the scrub gone. At first, I thought I took in, so I rushed back in, scrub was nowhere to be found.

Na so Ultimate Search for scrub start oh. I con dey waka up and down. Wetin carry scrub? Iya Farouq dey look me, small time she call me
“Akowe, wetin happen? You dey find something? “
“Hmm…. Kind of. Na my scrub, I drop am for here”
No so she burst for laughter. As she dey laugh, I con dey wonder, which kain thing be this? Person dey look for scrub, she dey laugh. She kept on laughing for a while before she moved closer and whispered “Akowe, no worry yourself, Larinka don carry am”
I became more confused, Did she mean larinka like a rat? How can a rat carry a 500ml scrub? All these and many more confusing thoughts raced through my mind but since I had to get to work, search for scrub had to wait. I had to take my bath without the scrub.
That was my first of many other experience with the ‘Klept’ or the one Mama Farouq calls Larinka. Well, let me introduce you to Chidi the Klept.

Chidi is the most handsome dude in the villa but as handsome as Chidi is, Chidi fit thief person if person no stand well. Chidi steals everything and anything. When I first moved to Commotion Villa, I was his regular Victim; from the missing bathing scrub, to the ear pod that vanished down to the pot of noodles that disappeared mysteriously on fire. As if stealing from other tenants in the yard wasn’t enough, his pilfering prowess is unrivaled in the neighborhood. Every petty trader in the neighborhood knows him well. If he tells you he wants to buy a soft drink, watch him well, lest you discover that one or two “gala” is missing.
Another weird albeit interesting character in the house is the Alarm.

Was he anointed as a pastor or people just call him a pastor because he looks and acts like one? I don’t know but I know we call him Pastor Tee. If you ever find yourself in our villa during the day, you are sure to see him trying to piece together some woods to make a chair or see him washing clothes (for someone who isn’t a dry cleaner, I find his washing way overboard). Have I seen him with a Bible before? No, atleast in public. Except one is dead though, his baritone voice praying in his Ibo dialect between 3.00am and 5.00am is a sure alarm that wakes everyone in the yard and neighbouring yards.

Villa’s Gigolo Just like his name implies is Dafe; the pimp who lives adjacent my room and also my least favorite co-tenant. If ever you see a strange lady sneaking out of the house in the ungodly hours of the night or in the wee hours of the morning, then know it’s one of our gigolo’s many partner. I personally haven’t met him without an unclad lady accompanying him. It’s more like he can’t walk without support, but what do I know? He could claim they are his business partners or maybe he tutors them. Whichever it is, Dafe remains my least favorite co-tenant.

Tunde or the one I teasingly call ‘I never chop’; my favorite and padi of life. Have you ever met an individual who never gets filled, an individual who is always hungry even when they just finished an heap of food? If you have, then you can relate with the personality of Tunde. When I met the insatiable Tunde, I never thought we were ever going to end up being friends, but little by little, I came to realize that beneath his skinny exterior is a young man who will do anything on the right side of the law to get to his dreams; even if it means begging for his daily bread once in a while.

If you ask me how all these personalities have contributed to my Lagos experience, I will tell you they’ve done so in no little way. For instance, Chidi taught me firsthand that it’s a grave sin to ever loose guard in Lagos, people like him lurk in every corner of Lagos and if you aren’t careful, then you will loose valuables on daily basis.
When the voice of the Alarm wakes me up every morning, I wake up to the realization that many sleep their dreams away in a city like this but sleeping away my aspiration isn’t an option.

The Stabber taught me that getting angry is fine but if one has a reputation to build, then it’s imperative that you learn how to get angry constructively. Even the infamous Gigolo has shown me time and time again, that even if I live in this Mega City for decades, I will never lose the modesty that comes with being a small town girl.

Think we aren’t doing anything right? Or you have a storyline or idea that you think should be incorporated into the Life of a Lagosian series, slide into my mail box and let’s get better together.

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